What is Pro-Well Pharmaceuticals?

We are the premier manufacturer of pharmaceuticals on the east coast. Our products are tested on test subjects, so you know they work on subjects.


1995: CEO Marshall Owens launches Pro-Well with the first product, Prohibition, a prescription-required bathtub gin substitute for recovering alcoholics.


1998: Pro-Well is ruled to not be at fault in the deaths of an '80s cover band from accidental overdose on Procaine.


2000: Pro-Well expands its corporate headquarters to Pittsburgh's South Side.


2004: PETA issues an apology to Marshall Owens for misunderstanding when he vowed to drive Allegheny Whitefish to extinction.


2006: Pro-Well is profiled in national news for the company's work in eradicating Morton's Toe.


2011: Marshall Owens solves his company's financial woes and homelessness in the brutal Recession Era economy.



Lacking the energy of your younger years? Need a quick pick-me-up? You don't have to be a stockbroker or a superfreak to see the benefits of Procaine in your daily life.


Chronic lumbar pain is not something you can turn your back on. Propain may not straighten that spine of yours, but it will flatten the receptors that feel pain, soreness, and pretty much everything else.


Considering the kinds of ladies you meet in the meth trade, this one is a must. This little pill has been medically proven to muffle the clap faster than PNC Park’s souvenir mitten day.