Want to be a Pro-Wellian?

Tired of those flashy companies that offer stock options, comprehensive benefits packages, and vacation time? Then you're in the right place. At Pro-Well Pharmaceuticals, we don't believe in perks. And, with your 1% employee discount on our drugs, you have no reason to even use your 1 sick day/year!

Are you corporate working stiff material?

Do you enjoy working weekends? How about constantly living under the threat of a lay-off? Do you look amazing under fluorescent lights?


Got the nothing it takes to work in our factory?

Are you homeless? A vagrant? A dirty, stinking bum? Tired of living off the charity of others? Tired of life in general?


Then a job in the Pro-Well factory is for you! We offer clothing, shelter, and, once we've injected you with our productivity drug, you won't ever need to think about your worthlessness every again!

What our employees are saying:

"The only way this place could be any worse is if zombies invaded."

-Pete S., Sales


"We have such an amazing team here. We really work together when things get tough and use everything at our disposal to be champions of wellness. Our team at Pro-Well is the epitome of resourcefulness. We know the many uses of a conference room encased in bullet-proof glass and just how many seemingly mundane office items can be used as bludgeons."

-Wilbert Sarducci, Team Lead


"zraghhh." -Factory Worker #28


Corporate employees must be willing to work some weekends, donate to arbitrary charities, deal with pointless manipulation and sabotage from co-workers, submit to drug testing, leave cell phones outside of the office, dress in business casual, lick the sphincters of visiting buyers, and, most importantly, work as a team. All employees are subject to random layoffs and zombie — er, factory worker — attacks.


Lacking the energy of your younger years? Need a quick pick-me-up? You don't have to be a stockbroker or a superfreak to see the benefits of Procaine in your daily life.


Chronic lumbar pain is not something you can turn your back on. Propain may not straighten that spine of yours, but it will flatten the receptors that feel pain, soreness, and pretty much everything else.


Considering the kinds of ladies you meet in the meth trade, this one is a must. This little pill has been medically proven to muffle the clap faster than PNC Park’s souvenir mitten day.