Frequently Asked Questions

Is it true that CEO Marshall Owens is a former meth cook?

Yes, before he put his skills with chemistry to good use curing all that ails mankind, Marshall Owens was a gourmet methamphetamine chef. In this way, he is the reverse Walter White.

 

Are you active in the community?

Pro-Well is constantly engaged in the Pittsburgh community. We don't just produce drugs to clean up your body — we lead efforts to clean up our city. In fact, our CEO recently proposed an initiative to test discarded cigarette butts for DNA in order to prosecute litterers to the greatest extent of the law. We don't see any better use of the city's money.

 

Has Pro-Well actually developed a zombie drug?

We prefer to call them living impaired.

 

Are you really trying to eradicate left-handedness?

Yes, we feel that the potato peeler industry has suffered far too long making alternate versions of products. Imagine the profits of scissor companies when the recessive trait is just wiped out altogether.

 

This company sounds too good to be true. Is it real?

 

Where is the Rest of the Moose Media?

 

Procaine

Lacking the energy of your younger years? Need a quick pick-me-up? You don't have to be a stockbroker or a superfreak to see the benefits of Procaine in your daily life.

Propain

Chronic lumbar pain is not something you can turn your back on. Propain may not straighten that spine of yours, but it will flatten the receptors that feel pain, soreness, and pretty much everything else.

Be-Gone-Orrhea

Considering the kinds of ladies you meet in the meth trade, this one is a must. This little pill has been medically proven to muffle the clap faster than PNC Park’s souvenir mitten day.